I realised. I know. But i couldn't let him go. 

I'm so deeply hurt that i don't know what's going on anymore. Well, it's really frustrating. I want him back, but at the same time, when we tried to go back, my attitude would eventually shake him off. I wanted him to fight for me even if i shook him off. I'm a LEO and LEOs are supposed to put pride on the line. Yup, my pride. I can't lose face, i can't get all desperate telling how much i wanted him back. 

Come on.. 

Why won't you want me? It almost feels like you never did love me. 

I wanted you to be afraid of losing me. I wanted you to tell me you need me. But, in the end, i realised the cold hard truth. 

I mean like, i was so serious in the relationship. And i felt so dumb now. Maybe i shouldn't even fall for you. You turned my life upside down and throw me aside, leaving me all alone to cope at a corner while you go and have fun with your friends. 

You told me you would balance friendship and relationship but all i see is, no improvements. Your priority is always your friends. I mean like, if you spend a day with me, i wouldn't mind you spending the other with your friends. But, i had to spend the first day while they get the second. I don't need to be treated like a princess, i just need you to do what a boyfriend is supposed to do. For example, the most basic one, show your girlfriend you love and care for her. Is it that hard? 

I don't want to face criticism once we meet. You saying, 'hey, your outfit don't go well with your shoes.'. Boyfriends would compliment their girlfriends. 'hey, you're beautiful today.' Nope i'll never get that from you. Well, maybe yes. I remembered there was once where i wore a blue shirt and white shorts and you said i was pretty. That brief comment, i remembered. Until today. Because it's always the little things that make my day. I don't need money or many presents to be happy. Maybe a surprise long text when unexpected would instantly lift my mood. I don't need you to do much. I just want you to show that you love me. That's all. 

I wasn't exactly happy whenever you went out with your friends, because, you gave me insecurities. You wouldn't think of me when you were with your friends, not a single text would you send to me. If you could text me a little when you are out with them, i would appreciate a lot a lot. But why is it that, you would never start a conversation? Is it that hard to say hi beautiful, i'm out with my friends, gonna call you later alright? :) Texts like that to secure me. Would i get angry already ? How would i get all fed up and annoyed with texts like that. They're beyond amazing. 

I really wish for you but.... it's too late. The countless chances i gave. The actions you show. It broke my heart. Again and again. The disappointments you gave. I really can't stand it any longer. Through this long relationship, i'd learnt that no. you can't be trusted. Everytime there are just lies. 

I don't understand. Why wont you miss me? Why wont you want me? I really hate myself for not giving up on this relationship when all you did was disappoint. I told myself, I WOULD NEVER GIVE YOU ANOTHER MORE CHANCES. So last night, was the last. You're hopeless and until the last second when i boarded the bus, i was still thinking of you. Wondering what would happened if you actually turned up. But, think too much, you're heck care attitude. Why didn't i think of that? You don't care means don't care, why did i choose to neglect that and kept chasing you. 

I'm sorry for acting like that whenever we go out. I appear to be annoyed and fed up, well i actually am. But all i need was a comfort from you. Don't tell me you tease me, i never smile okay. But your friends and your attitude, no matter where you go in life, you wouldn't last long in a relationship. Talk about TRYING to balance friendship and relationship when in reality, you're are FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS and you tell me, ohyes im balancing it well. Why do i have to initiate everything? Why must i be the first to ask you to go out? Why must i go to your house early in the morning to fetch you to school. 

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I WANTED TO SHOW YOU I DO.

You're the last thing when i sleep and the first thing on my mind. But, you don't appreciate my love for you. It's almost like you find it troublesome to be with me. Rmb there was a time when i wanted to go and eat and you were at home while i was at the shopping mall next to your house? You told me you were lazy to come down. LAZY. You're not even appreciating the fact that i came all the way down to your house. 

Disappointments, more disappointments. I guess i'm done here. The bad memories and the good memories. I'll throw it all away. 

Well, to gain you some face, here's also good memories of you. Well, you bought chocolates and cupcakes for me. OHWAIT, i asked you to. ERRRRRRRRR, you bought shirts for me. Well, it was my birthday.. You come to my house to fetch me to school too! Well, a day or two in a year. ERMmmmmmmm..... You waited for me in school while i finish my lessons. There was once when you waited for me rmb? I appreciated that and loved it a lot. :) Well, maybe there's more but i think the bad memories are causing me to forget some so provide me with more details if you rmb alright. 

I tried so hard so hard to bring us back tgt. The countless nights of crying, the tears directed to you. I'm done with this relationship. I guess. I really really am so so so tired of protecting this relationship. 

And i hate how you simply said ok when i tried to give up on you. But everytime you start talking normally, it raises my hopes up high again. But whenever, i need your securities and affection, you crashed me down like nothing. You can say ok to my words so easily that i really doubt you ever love me before. And everytime you said sorry, it's really annoying. TO THE CORE. Knowing your sorry wont change anything. It kills me double on the inside. People say sorry for a reason, they're are truly sorry and they're gonna change. For you, it's sorry but i'll continue my things my way. 

You don't know how deeply you hurt me. You'll never know. In the past, present or in the future. It isn't your fault for our break up. It's both of our faults. It's mine for not being able to protect this relationship. 

Just forget it really........